Emma's Story

Emma's story begins when we first knew she was coming like every couple when they hear that they are expecting. It is wondrous feeling to know that you are a partner in the growing of a new life.

We had a miscarriage about 10 months earlier at 6 weeks and, like most couples, were anxious to be pregnant again. It was hunting season, and it so happens that our anniversary falls on or near deer hunting opener. So this year as I prepared to be widow once again, I made arrangements for the weekend after the opener to go to a resort up north for three days once my husband returned. It was during that wonderful vacation, that I began to think I may be pregnant.

I didn't tell my husband I suspected it so I wouldn't get his hopes up. But later when we returned home, I told him. Not with any special surprise, just with an earlier morning pregnancy test that confirmed my suspicions. Then we went about our day happy.

The pregnancy was uneventful except for an unusual amount of nightmares. I've always had very vivid dreams in all my pregnancies, but during Emma's my dreams were full of blood coming out of me, or dreaming about a baby with one ear or another abnormality. Most of these nightmares, I attributed to my nerves since I had a miscarriage and was probably worried something else was going to happen.

I have to also mention the health care I received. It was one of those big HMOs that are very busy and have no time for questions. The ob gyn doctor saw me every other time and the nurse practitioner saw me the rest of the time. I had subchorionic hemorrhage in almost all of my live pregnancies except my first one. This means I had spotting throughout the first trimester for me and could have meant another miscarriage. I went back and forth from the doctor's office in the first trimester concerned about the spotting, but everytime I was told by the nurse practitioner that it was nothing and the baby was fine. To be fair, she did give me ultrasounds on a rather small mobile ultrasound machine, but was considerably condescending. Never once did she ask me if I had any questions.

I made it through the first trimester and into the second with not too much trouble. With my son, I had so many discomforts and complaints that I voiced to whomever would listen. But with this pregnancy, I was so grateful to be pregnant that I didn't want that gratefulness to be tainted by my complaining.

I had given birth to my son at a hospital about 25 miles away and wanted to go back to that hospital even though a closer one was only minutes away. In order to do this, I needed to change clinics at some point in my pregnancy. I decided to go with my sister's doctor and move after the 34th week appointment. As far as I knew everything was going fine.

My sister's doctor saw me on a Thursday close to my 36 week mark. I remember going in to be checked, and he said I was one centimeter dialated. I was elated. I remember a nurse trying to find the heartbeat, and she had a hard time but finally found it. She commented that the baby's elbow must be in the way. I stood up to leave. I wish something within me would have made me turn right back at this point and have her get a better reading of the heartbeat. But I didn't turn around. I was the ever good patient that took faith that all was well.

I did not do kick counts as I felt her move now and again and had gotten a doppler from the internet that would pick up the baby's heartrate. From time to time, I would try to find her heartbeat. During this pregnancy, I had felt that I had done everything I could to ensure a successful outcome. But in one moment, it was all taken away.

Emma was born on July 4th at 3:30 am stillborn. On the night of July 2nd, I felt a sharp kick, but did not think anything of it. Next morning, I reached for the doppler and heard nothing, no swish swish of the blood even. I called my husband and we went to the hospital. They could not find a heartbeat. The doctor confirmed. For a day, I was induced and in a daze. My beautiful daughter, though, was introduced to heaven on that fateful day.

Today, the garden I've created in her memories blooms the greatest near her entrance into heaven. The Angels are singing. Rejoice, Jesus has overcome death. "O Death, Where is your sting"